I checked my phone. Nothing. I checked again moments later. Still nothing.

What did I expect? I had just checked the bloody thing and there had been no activity so what did I think? That thirty seconds later my phone which was on the loudest possible setting had suddenly experienced a secret influx of activity without lighting up, vibrating and making any noise whatsoever? C'mon woman GET A GRIP.

I had never been a slave to my phone before; checking it obsessively all the time and having to have it on me all the damn time, actually holding onto it in my pocket so I felt the vibrations if I didn't hear it, but now everything had changed. He had changed me. I bet he wasn't checking his phone every minute, in fact I hoped he hadn't checked his phone at all because it had been a whole three hours and seventeen minutes since I had text him and still nothing.

We didn't get to see each other much but when we did it was electric; we would talk and laugh constantly before it turned passionate and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. When I wasn't with him that spark was even more alight, I couldn't stop thinking about him, my heart ached for another kiss, another glimpse of his smile and when we were together in our tainted relationship (for reasons so complex it would be a whole separate post - lets just say friends and exes and leave it at that) we both would talk about how we couldn't stop thinking about each other and just wanted things to be different so we didn't have any issues surrounding our so called 'forbidden' romance. I was hooked on him. Worst of all I was blinkered. I fell so quickly for him and thought he was amazing that I couldn't see what he was doing. All the while I was dying to see him as much as I could, he would sometimes have other plans at the last minute- I did keep my life too don't worry, I wasn't that pathetic but if we had the chance to meet up I would want to see him, I needed a fix and thought he felt the same too. Sometimes he was meant to be somewhere and would text me down in.the dumps that his.plans hadn't worked out and I would get a rush of excitement as I suggested we meet up and start planning what to wear, half hour later or so a text would come through along the lines of

At the time - when I thought 'but why didn't you make plans with me?' and he acknowledged my disappointment, he would always reassure me by saying he knows I normally have plans and so didn't want to ask and make me feel bad for turning him down (aw, so sweet). The truth is he didn't want to see me as much as I wanted to see him. It's fair enough and I can see that now but I didn't see it at the time and assumed naively he felt the same.


''We didn't get to see each other much but when we did it was electric; we would talk and laugh constantly before it turned passionate and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.'' 

My birthday night out was a shambles because he already had made plans to go out with his mates (he made the silly mistake a couple of weeks beforehand of trying to look like a good boyfriend by remembering my birthday so it wasn't as though he didn't know the date folks). He said he would try and meet up with me in town though and I took it that he would. After all, I would make damn sure I got to see him on his birthday night out. But nope, he never showed up and I never heard from him. I went home miserable and covered in a kebab my drunk friend had spilt over me. Happy birthday indeed.

That's how it went on. One time we were having a drink somewhere and his friend called up to talk to him about weekend plans and suddenly he seemed to go all awkward. We had made plans to see eachother but it appeared like he didn't want to say that. I assumed because of the whole awkward situation of us dating - and that still could have been why - but he seemed like he really didn't want to say he was seeing me and eventually when he did he responded with 'yeah we are seeing each other now' maybe the person on the other end hadn't reacted how he thought they would so he felt he could tell them? I can't help but think he was caught out with a girl he was just s*****g and had to make it seem like more for my benefit.He was backed into a corner.

When we split it was done in a cowardly way. He kind of just stopped getting in touch, I found myself desperate to hear from him. I never initiated a text but would look at my phone, eyes stinging with tears.

We were in a relationship, now we were over and I didn't know how or why. When a break up occurs and you are on the receiving end of it, it is heartbreaking. More so when you don't want it to end. I remember feeling my heart shatter. How was this possible?

The thing is, because this happened ages ago now I can look at it all through un - tinted vision and see exactly what was going on. We had electric chemistry and major physical attraction but that was it. The problem on my part was that I had never felt anything like this before and because we were good on paper - always laughed together every time we met, always chatting and we had so much in common - I assumed we were the real thing. I believe his feelings stopped at the physical attraction. Realistically we wouldn't have worked out and either he knew that or his feelings never progressed further because deep down I wasn't his type. He probably did have strong feelings for me but not love, not like I did - or thought I did, I am not sure whether I did actually love him either, I was in love with what I thought we had, what I thought we could be and who I thought he was.

The great thing about time is hindsight and eventually seeing someone or something for who / what they are. He was a great laugh and we would have been great friends and maybe even have stayed friends had we never taken it further. But we did. It went tits up and hurt my feelings but I dusted myself down and made myself better again and it was the greatest romantic learning curve ever - thanks to that toxic relationship I learnt not to just throw my feelings into something blindly at the first drop and I learnt to put MYSELF first in relationships and not them. He can do what he wants and I can do what I want so long as it suits us both and I am not making do and I am not being walked over. There is no phone watching and playing games, no constant disappointment and no second best.

The more I looked back on this relationship the more I realised he had fibbed to me, I would say more than I thought but sadly at the time I never thought he would have lied to me. My problem?I mistook lust and sexual chemistry for something more and was attracted to a coward. He just told me what I wanted to hear because he wanted to sleep with me. And why not? I am pretty damn sexy but I am just a bit more careful about who I let know that now.


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